Return to the stage...overcoming it all

I spent this afternoon watching Lady Gaga's return to the stage at the iTunes music festival in London.

Can I just say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. She played all new music which was great because she has been out of the public eye for so long after her broken hip ended her tour.

Justin hates that I love her but she's great. She's a great songwriter and performer. I really relate to her. Not to mention...her so-called weirdness is what helped me out of the depression I was in after my dad was killed in 08.

Her crazy looks and catchy lyrics paired with the intelligence that comes out when she interviews intrigued the hell out of me. I spent months researching her past interviews and songs before she was Lady Gaga and basically it occupied my mind long enough for me to stop dwelling on myself.

Now, going through this pregnancy with this cancer living in my body I am so thrilled that she is back because it gives me something new to experience over these months until I can get treatment. I need her. I need my family too but it's different. I just need this fun, beautiful person who I relate to and understand. I need to see her doing what she loves. It makes me believe that I can do this. I can get through this. Look at what she's been through and look at her accomplishments. People and things try to bring her down but she's not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to beat this cancer. My baby is going to have a mother who knows how to persevere. 

When my child asks me about the tattoo on my foot, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them I got it to remind me who brought me out of my depression. Little did I know when I got it she would be my strength for so much more.

It's football season!!!

Not that I really pay attention...but Justin does. I just thought it was an interesting title.

I'm glad it's football season but it has NOTHING to do with football. I'm happy that cooler temperatures are around the corner. I'm glad the holidays and yummy food will be here before we know it. Our anniversary is coming up. I'm glad my pregnancy is progressing and we've made it to the second trimester. (15 wks)

I've met with my oncologist and surgeon. I have to go to Atlanta to Emory for an ultrasound on my lymph nodes on the 10th. Pending the results we'll probably delay surgery until after baby is here. 

My oncologist wanted me to go out on medical leave to reduce the stress level with my blood pressure and all. Getting baby here healthy and hopefully full term is our goal. I'm going a little crazy stuck at home since family doesn't want me driving. I do go to the store and my MIL's down the road though which helps.

Next week I see my OB on Friday. I'm concerned now that my appetite still has not picked up so we'll see what he says...

HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!

(Note: picture was last week when we went to the surgeon's office at 14 weeks....I still just look fat not pregnant.

Crazy life!

So much has been going on! I've been battling one thing after another. 

Justin has been in Oregon since July 31st fighting wildfire. He flys home on Friday. He's gone off like this before but this time has seriously felt like he's been gone a lifetime!!!

I think it has felt like such a long time because I have not been doing so well. When he left I was taking antibiotics for a UTI. I'd had such a relatively easy pregnancy up to that point. Those antibiotics made me so sick. I was throwing up day and night! It was so awful! 

I also had experienced dizzy spells where I couldn't even hardly stand for about two weeks. Through this time I tried to work but there were days I didn't feel safe in driving. I had called my OB and my nurse told me it was normal during pregnancy to be dizzy and not a big deal. I'm not sure that she understood that I knew something was wrong. A few days later while having another of my dizzy spells...I went ahead and went to my regular doctor's office just to let them check me over.  Turns out my blood pressure was high. Very high, at 170/100...so of course my OB was contacted and I have been put on medication to regulate it. 

I went yesterday to a maternal fetal medicine specialist and got to see my baby for the second time. My mother in law, Ann was there as well. I sent Justin pictures but its just not the same. He didn't get to see how much baby was moving around in there. Or hear the precious heartbeat. 

This specialist says that I need to have ultrasounds to monitor baby's growth every month because I am at higher risk to lose the baby late in pregnancy if my body can't keep up. This scares me but I'm trying to focus on the positive and that is that there is this healthy baby in there now who needs me to be strong and get through this for them. I cannot let the bad worries and fears take away the good things that I have.

I'm currently doing a 24 hour urine for the specialist to try to rule put protein in my urine and in turn preeclampsia. I am very early in my pregnancy at only 12 weeks to have that and so my fingers are crossed that it will come back just fine.

It's official!

Facebook official that is!  

No explanation needed...I finally came out.

Thinking and worrying...

I know the worrying isn't good. I just have so much on my mind.

I'm going to have to be out of so much work when I have the baby then turn around and have the thyroid removed and radioactive iodine treatment too..it's about 6 weeks between each thing. We'll have a newborn baby and I will be at my worst ever..not able to properly care for him/her. 

I was really hoping to breast feed for at least a year but that isn't an option now. I am going to ask my doctors if they will allow me to do so at the very beginning...at least until I have surgery..I'd like it if they'd let me pump until its time for radiation and store as much as my body will make before that.

I don't know how well that will work out though. It's very disappointing. 

With me being out of work for that period of at least 3 months, I am worried about money. We're a two person income and we need every bit of both. We'll have all these doctor bills to pay for my treatment. A new baby to feed and clothe and diaper. Someone will have to be here besides me to help care for the baby after I have surgery and all. Thankfully, Justin has lots of time he can take from work and still get paid. That's one good thing about working for the State. Plus Justin's mom doesn't work and my mom plans to do whatever she has to. I have a big support system but its just going to be so hard.

I went ahead and told my supervisors at work so they know what I'm dealing with. I also told my partner at work who I've been friends with since kindergarten. She knew I went for the tests and was very concerned. She and I work hand in hand and depend on each other. They've been so understanding. They said not to worry about my job. They'll also be moving me to day shift soon whenever they can hire a replacement and get them up to speed on my responsibility at night. I'm wondering what responsibility I'll have if they're giving what I'm currently doing to someone else...I'm such an over-achiever and I don't want to go back to not having any responsibility.

Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling but that's how my mind is right now.

Bad News

This is so hard for me to type. I'm so scared even though the prognosis is good. I went Monday for a biopsy on my thyroid. We discovered a nodule the week before I found out I was pregnant as I've mentioned before.

The results came back and it is malignant. Papillary carcinoma to be exact. I'm so freaked out right now. I have myself and this baby to think about. The doctor said its not aggressive so we could potentially wait until after delivery in February. It just depends on if it changes during our monitoring it. The best time to operate during pregnancy is 2nd tri. Then after baby is born I have to have radioactive iodine treatment  as well so there goes my breast feeding. She said treatment won't be easy and with a newborn even harder. I'm just so scared right now. I'm so young and its a lot to take in all at once. Yesterday I was pretty strong but today I'm a crying mess. Yesterday I had my family and it was easier to be strong...today I feel broken.

Happy 4th!!

Happy 4th of July!!!

Yesterday was my 27th birthday whooh-hooh I'm getting OLD! I feel that way, anyway.

I hate that I haven't written on schedule this week but one thing after another has happened and I've been exhausted.

I haven't felt good most of the week. My nodule has started to cause me pain. I went to the ER because I couldn't swallow and wasn't able to force myself to eat/drink on Tuesday. BAD IDEA. Mom and I spent 9 hours there...and all they did was test my thyroid levels (which are still perfectly fine, thankfully) and give me a bag of fluids.  But I did get my biopsy moved up from August 1st to Monday morning. So, maybe we'll get some answers...and good ones!

I go see my OB tomorrow. Keep in mind this will be my first appointment for my pregnancy and also the first time I've met this doctor so I'm a little nervous. I have no idea what to expect. I know they'll want to take a bunch of medical history information and stuff...but will we get to hear baby's heartbeat? I hope so..I think I will be disappointed if we don't. It really just doesn't feel real to me yet so I want the confirmation. I have seen the tests so I know I am but I just don't exactly FEEL pregnant. I won't feel baby move for a long time, but hearing the heartbeat...that can be done now. I will be 6 wks 5 days tomorrow based on my ovulation date.

Wish me luck!